This is raw and unedited, full of typos, inconsistencies, and imperfections. I felt it important to leave it in this state due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

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Wednesday, June 10th, Jason started having some mild chest pain that radiated down his left arm, along with some mild indigestion. Though it had been quite stressful around here, with summer break and activities, I told him to see a doctor just to be safe. So Jason made an appointment with a doctor.

On Thursday Jason saw the doctor, and he told Jason he was simply experiencing anxiety. He gave him some anxiety/depression medication and sent him home without even 1 test for his heart besides a blood pressure reading, which was very high.

Thursday evening I started personally giving Jason his meds that he had for cholesterol, blood pressure, and diabetes. I gave him his meds Friday morning and evening, and Saturday morning and evening, and fed him better foods. All this while, Jason was having the chest pains, and increasing indigestion. Him being reluctant to see a doctor, he just didn’t go back.

Saturday night my mom texted me and told me Destiny had a very weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to make sure everything was okay. At that time Jason was playing video games and I was messing around with MySpace or something online. Late that night Jason and I watched a movie together in our bedroom. We cuddled during the movie, and made love with each other. He proposed, and I accepted. We went to sleep happy next to each other, warm in our bed. As I was dozing, Jason said “I don’t think it was anxiety.” I felt weird like I was super-hypochondriac, high-anxiety… but I pushed it aside, and then we both were asleep.

Sunday morning Evan woke me up around 8am wanting me to make toaster waffles for him and his brothers. I said I would, and fell back asleep. At 9am Evan came in to remind me about breakfast and told me he was starving. I said ok and told him to just close the bedroom door. I took a couple minutes, but got up, dressed in PJs, and went out to the kitchen extremely groggy, figuring I would let Jason sleep until the boys had eaten, then I would wake him up to eat. I got the toaster out, grumbled about dishes needing done, and got started making waffles. I made 2 for each Andy and Evan, and was making 4 more when I heard a thumping in the hallway like Jason had fallen or hit the wall, and Ludo came running out (who was usually kept in our en suite bathroom while we slept).

I poked my head around the corner to see Jason unclothed, pounding on the hallway wall, and on his knees asking me to call for help. I tried to ask him questions about what was wrong so I could inform the emergency response, but he just told me to hurry, and by then he was laying down on his tummy. I hurried and dialed 911. While he was on his tummy he had his fists clenched and he was moaning and howling in pain. I wanted to be by his side, but I was certain he would hurt me if I tried to touch him, since he was in such immense pain and flailing a bit.

I am guessing it took about 5-10 minutes for the ambulance and EMTs to arrive, but I can’t be certain because from this time on it gets a little blurry and time ceases to exist for me.

I answered all of the questions the dispatch was asking, all the while keeping a very close eye on Jason and his symptoms and such. At one point Jason stopped breathing like he was holding his breath, and started urinating while he was laying on the floor, in that face-down position. It shocked me, and I told him he was peeing on the floor. He didn’t release his breath or take another for I believe it was about a whole minute. His head and face turned purple. When he started breathing again I expected it to take some of the blood out of his head, but it did not, he remained purple. When he did take that next breath it was raspy, like it was catching, and it was loud and deep. He took 8-10 more of those loud breaths, far between in time, getting a little shallower each time.

About that time the EMTs pulled up into the parking lot, and when I looked back to Jason I could no longer see or hear any breathing. The EMTs were quick, there were only 3 at first, but before long there were many, I’m guessing 7-8 maybe. They checked his pulse and then turned him over onto his back. They started CPR almost immediately. They used the defibrillator, then continued compressions. They intubated him and were breathing for him. They tried Epinephrine to his heart, they tried everything. They worked so hard to revive Jason. After some time they decided to take him to the hospital and to continue to work on him on the way. When they wheeled him out, his head was still purple and there was a white patch around where the strap was holding his head in place to the gurney. There was an automatic compression machine on him, making his arms and body flop repeatedly as they wheeled him out to the ambulance.

During all of this Evan sat at the kitchen table (until right before they took Jason out) and Andy and Cory were told by myself and a police officer to stay over by the living room window, to stay out of the way, and also so they wouldn’t have to see what was going on with Jason. My mom showed up and took my boys to family’s house.

I paced up and down the hallway screaming, telling Jason that I loved him and not to leave me. I told him he couldn’t do this to me.

My mom came back and she took me to the hospital. The sheriff had been sent to get Jason’s dad, Dennis. I was the first one to arrive at the hospital. Right away someone took me and my mom into a room and told us that Jason did not make it, that he passed away. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Dennis and his wife Jan came in. I tried to tell them, but I was fumbling over my words, in shock and unable to believe it…. then the doctor came in and saved me from that, and told us all together that Jason didn’t survive. Dennis and I both fell to pieces.

Throughout the next several hours family members showed up to support us. We all took turns spending a little time with Jason’s body before he got taken to the funeral home. I did not want to let go, and every time I was with him I was holding his hand and talking to him, telling him how much I love him and how sorry I was that I couldn’t have helped him and saved him. I wrapped my hand around his, stroked his fingers, caressed his arm and his hand, and repeated my apologies over and over. I fidgeted with his hand the entire time I talked to him. Some of the time Dennis was in there with me. Dennis told me how at ease Jason was with me, and that he was glad Jason had found such a great woman, and such happiness.

It was the way Dennis looked at Jason’s lifeless face and said “He’s so at ease with you!” that really got my attention. Like he could feel what Jason felt at that moment, even after his passing.

Jason’s body was taken to the funeral home around 1pm or shortly after. My mom took me home to clean up a bit to make the place presentable for company. I locked myself in my bedroom for a while and laid on the bed with my face buried in Jason’s pillows and just screamed and sobbed. During the afternoon my mom took me to eat, and I also called a few of Jason’s friends. A few people asked if I was pulling a prank, a few people were in shock.

Later at the funeral home, we were allowed to have a little more personal time with Jason’s body after we were all done making arrangements for his memorial. I wanted to hold Jason’s hand when I talked to him there, but his hand was not soft enough for me to wrap my hand around his anymore. I caressed his hand and arm, his chest, and his face. He was so cold. I told him how so sorry I was that I could not help him more, and told him over and over how much I love him.

Jason’s mom Lynn and her husband Jeri, Dennis and Jan, and Jason’s sister Melissa were all very welcoming to me, and I am so thankful. My thoughts were considered for helping in the arrangements. His family is so warm and loving, Jason was truly blessed to have such amazing people in his life. And he was absolutely right in telling me they would love me because he did. They all believe I was really good for Jason, and that he had finally found a good woman. It makes me happy to know that Jason was absolutely right about that, they love me because I made him happy.

The memorial service is tomorrow at 2pm, with visitation from 1-2pm before the service. I pulled Jan aside and asked her what I was supposed to do because I didn’t even know what was appropriate. She said I am the girlfriend, I am part of the family and will be as involved as I want to be.

After the funeral home I went to my mom’s. I walked to visit a couple of our friends briefly. I know everyone is sad and shocked about Jason’s sudden death, but their sorrow seems so superficial compared to what I’m feeling. I think I feel that way because I spent every day with Jason, it was a lifestyle that he and I both chose. And now all of the sudden its over – not by choice, and I had to watch in horror while he died right before my eyes, and there was not a thing I could do.

I tried to sleep at my mom’s but I felt too far away from Jason, so I came home and had one of our friends Buddha come over and sleep on the couch to just make sure I was not alone. I did try to sleep in my bed, but I had a full-on panic attack and I could not manage staying in there. I nearly ran out into the living room with my quilt and curled up in Jason’s recliner. I listened to Buddha drone on about something, and dozed off to his monotonous voice. When I woke up an hour later, the pain hit me all over again, fresh. I dozed off and on after that for a couple more hours before I finally gave up on sleep.

I had grown so attached to Jason, and become so accustomed to him always being present, that if he such as got up in the middle of the night to get a drink or use the restroom, I didn’t fall back asleep until he returned. And now I am unable to sleep in the bed, and when I try to sleep anywhere else I do great until I start to doze off, then all I can see is Jason in the hallway again, asking for help and me unable to save him.

Everyone keeps telling me its okay to be sad, and its a good thing to talk about the experience (and that’s why I’m even writing this). But when is it going to stop getting worse?? I feel like the sadness has gotten deeper and deeper over the last day and a half, and it feels like its already been a lifetime. Time is at a stand-still for me, and I am unable to stop the mental replay of the most devastating few minutes of my life. I love Jason so deeply, and I had committed (to him and to myself) to be there for him, take care of him, and love him for the rest of my life. And once the funeral is over, and all his family goes home, am I expected to go about life like nothing ever happened? I know I can’t do that. I don’t know what to do. I am totally lost without him. I know I have kids to take care of, and a home to upkeep… but it all seems so trivial and unimportant right now.

I even laid in the hallway where he died earlier today. Surprisingly it is the only place I feel peaceful. I think of him while I lay there and I am physically incapable of crying. But I just want him to take me with him. I want to be with him, I want to be out of this life and onto the next right by his side.

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My dear Jason, I have loved you with all of my heart. You are my love, and you will forever be a part of me.

Jason Erik Babcock
April 20, 1975 – June 14, 2009