As I’ve written about before, back in March of this year I put myself out there on Facebook dating. I talked to many guys at first. Then narrowed it down to just a few. And after some time it was down to a very clear #1 choice. He and I have now chatted every single day for over 6 months. I felt we had a pretty damn good understanding of one another. We weren’t afraid to put all the messy stuff out there, as both of are blunt, honest people.

A couple weeks ago I finally traveled to another state to meet him in person. We talked ahead of time of his complicated life and how he didn’t feel he could reciprocate the growing depth of my feelings. I told him I understood. I did, and still do understand why he isn’t emotionally available. But spending the weekend with him, having long conversations, being in each other’s presence, sleeping next to one another… it meant a lot to me. Honestly, it made my feelings for him grow even deeper.

Once I returned home I asked what his thoughts and feelings were about the time we spent together. He told me he thinks we’re better as friends. He did not and will not elaborate. Ok. Not entirely unexpected. But at the same time, not what I wanted to hear.

I didn’t expect a commitment, nor a promise. I didn’t expect to start a life together. Afterall, I have a lot going on in my life too, and I’m not ready for that either. I just wanted to know the weekend meant something to him too…. that there was a possibility for something in the future. Maintain the friendship and consider that maybe someday it could turn into something more. It took me about a week to process why I was feeling so hurt by his words. And I’ve come to the conclusion that of course I’m not sad about staying friends. Afterall, I love his friendship. I love how unfiltered and honest I can be with him. I love our conversations. It’s rare to find someone who is so accepting and open.

What I’ve been really lamenting is the loss of possibility. I had really hoped he would see me standing in front of him, see all that I offer as a person, as a partner, and think maybe there would be a potential future together. Was that an unreasonable hope? I truly don’t think so. Not even under the circumstances. But it felt crushing in the moment that he closed the door on it.

Since then I’ve been depressed, moody. I briefly regretted going to meet him because I wanted to maintain that hope, even if it was undefined. But now that our relationship has been defined as “just friends,” I’ve been able to absorb that, and now I can move on from that hope. I can fully embrace what we mean to each other without trying to make it something it was never meant to be.

Does that mean I’m ready to jump right back into the dating pool? No. I did try that for about 24 hours, just to distract from my hurt feelings. It certainly was NOT the answer, and was a disaster.

This experience has made me realize I don’t have room for someone in my life full time anyway. I have some work to do on my own before I have the time and capacity to devote to a partner. My emotional dysregulation for that couple of weeks was extremely uncomfortable, and I clearly have more work to do on myself before I consider another commitment.

I think for now, I will keep my connections casual. I’m still rebuilding my life after my failed marriage, and I need to keep that in mind. I’m still figuring out exactly what it is that I want. This man really raised the bar, and has helped shape any potential requirements for a partner. I refuse to settle for any less at this point in my life.